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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25036000">Always Here</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/StardustAce/pseuds/StardustAce'>StardustAce</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Marvel Cinematic Universe</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Acceptance, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Anxiety, Bucky Barnes Has PTSD, Coming Out, Consent, Fluff and Angst, Friendship, Gen, Grief, Hurt/Comfort, Insecurity, Loss, Memories, Nightmares, Ok all of my fics are fluffy AF, Panic Attacks, Platonic Relationships, Post-Avengers: Endgame (Movie), Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Reminiscing, fluffy af, soft, trigger warning</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-02</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-07-12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 08:56:13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,559</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25036000</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/StardustAce/pseuds/StardustAce</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Sam wants to know more about Bucky, but he's really closed off. When he decides to ask him about his past, he learns some things that surprise him and discovers more about his pain.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>James "Bucky" Barnes &amp; Sam Wilson</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>8</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>71</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Hellooooo everyone! So, this is a bit different from anything that I’ve ever written, but I think that it’s important to talk about. As always, if you have any comments or ideas, please let me know! Enjoy!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“There’s something about you that confuses me."</p><p>“Just one?” Bucky says sarcastically, with a smirk.</p><p>Sam raises an eyebrow at him. “I’m being serious, Barnes."</p><p>Bucky puts his hands up in surrender. “Okay. What is it?”</p><p>“You’re, like, 100 years old, yeah? I gotta be real with you, I don’t understand how you don’t seem to be fazed by the stuff that’s different in present day. Like, politics and stuff. Most people who were alive in the early 1900s… it seems like their heads are stuck there. But yours isn’t. Why?”</p><p>“I’ve seen some really weird stuff in my time,” Bucky replies dryly. “Nothing surprises me anymore." </p><p>“It’s gotta be more than that. This kind of stuff is embedded deep into people’s minds. It’s hard to let go of. You woke up in a world where gay marriage is legal. A world where women can have a career. No matter a person’s race, gender, or sexuality, they can, theoretically at least, live their life. That’s a big change, even for you."</p><p>A small, soft smile appeared on Bucky’s face as he looked down at the ground. “You don’t know everything about me,” he murmured. </p><p>“I’d like to,” Sam said.</p><p>Bucky looked up and stared into Sam’s eyes, deciding whether or not he was being sincere. </p><p>“Can I touch you?” Sam asked. When Bucky nodded, he put a hand on his shoulder, and he relaxed under his touch.</p><p>“When I was a teenager, I… Steve and I… were passionate about fighting for those who couldn’t fight for themselves. With Steve being… well, Steve… it was always something that was on our minds. Steve was always ill and struggling to be seen in society. I was… I was someone who was interested in both women and men. We weren’t exactly made to fit in with society, so we fought." A reminiscent smile appeared on Bucky’s face as he recalled all of these fond memories from his past. “For a while, right before I enlisted, the two of us would actually go on double dates with lesbian couples. You know, so they could go out together without people becoming suspicious. It worked out really well. The girls could be together, and Steve and I could spend time together. This world that I woke up in… it’s still crazy, but it’s closer to what we dreamed of when we were growing up. This is the freedom that we fought for."</p><p>Sam’s eyes were bright, and he was beaming at him. “I had no idea. You really were a badass back in the day!”</p><p>Bucky snorted and scratched at the back of his neck, still a bit shy.</p><p>“Can I ask, you and Steve. Were you ever…” He made some strange motion with his hands, which made Bucky laugh.</p><p>“No, no we weren’t. I, umm… I did… have feelings for him, though. Steve was my best friend, and there was something about him. He had a really beautiful heart, unlike anything that I’d ever seen”. Bucky gave a small laugh. “He was always so insecure about how he looked and about his health. I don’t think he ever realized that he was beautiful." </p><p>“Did you ever tell him how you felt?” Sam asked.</p><p>Bucky shook his head. “There was always so much going on with him. He was ill and yet so focused on enlisting… I didn’t want to add any pressure. Don’t get me wrong, he wouldn’t have been angry or anything. There was… too much in the way." </p><p>“Not even after the war? I mean, he never stopped talking about you once he figured out that you were alive. I wouldn’t have been surprised if you guys had been a thing or had some mutual pining shit going on there." </p><p>“After…” Bucky took a shaky breath. “After everything that… happened… with Hydra… Everything that they did to me…” He paused, trying to compose himself.</p><p>“Hey,” Sam took a step closer. “You don’t have to tell me anything if you don’t want to. I know that it’s hard."  </p><p>Bucky looked at the floor. “Romantic relationships aren’t really part of the plan anymore. They can’t be. After everything… there are things that I… that I can’t do." </p><p>Sam nodded. “It’s okay, man,” he said gently, trying to meet his eyes, but Bucky kept turning away. “It’s okay. Really. There’s so much more to a relationship. And so much more to life." He raised a hand, hovering next to him. “Can I touch you?” Bucky nodded, and Sam put his hands on either side of Bucky’s face and guided him to look him in the eyes. “That’s another thing that’s changing in present day. The definition of a relationship is… flexible. It can be whatever you want or need. There is no one way to have a relationship with somebody. If that is something that you do want, then there is no reason why you shouldn’t have one." </p><p>Bucky relaxed a bit, Sam’s words still sinking in. “I guess more things have changed than I thought." </p><p>Sam nodded and moved his hands to pat him on the shoulder. “You’re absolutely not alone. I promise. There are people out there who understand you." </p><p>“Like you?” </p><p>Sam smiled. “Yeah, Barnes. I’ve got you." </p><p>Bucky smiled back at him, feeling comfortable enough to look him in the eyes on his own terms.</p><p>“Hey, listen. If you ever want to talk, about anything, I’m here. You don’t have to if you aren’t comfortable with it, but I’m always here if you need me." </p><p>Bucky’s eyes sparkled. “Thanks”, he whispered.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Bucky’s eyes shot open. <em>Not again.</em> He was struggling to catch his breath, clutching at his chest desperately. He was completely drenched in sweat, his shirt plastered to his skin and strands of hair stuck to his forehead. He was trembling uncontrollably, but he had to move. He had to. Now.</p><p>He struggled to his feet and shakily walked out of the bedroom, breathing heavily. The lights were off, but everything seemed too bright. The world was spinning. <em>Get it together. It was a dream. You’re fine. You’re fine. Everything is fine.</em></p><p>He tried to reach for a glass for water, but he was shaking so badly that he couldn’t get a hold on a glass. He couldn’t focus. All of the glasses were blurred together. He closed his eyes and rested his forehead on the cabinet. <em>Breathe. Please, just breathe.</em></p><p>He started pacing around, rubbing his chest with his right hand. He had to breathe. It would be over soon, he just had to breathe.</p><p>“Barnes?”</p><p>Bucky whipped his head around and saw Sam standing in the doorway, concern written across his face. “What’s wrong?” He asked, trying to remain calm.</p><p>Bucky just shook his head and walked away.</p><p>“Barnes,” Sam called, going after him. “Bucky. You’re just having a panic attack. You’re going to be alright." Sam caught up and walked next to him. “Can I touch you?” Bucky nodded distractedly and Sam placed a hand on his back. Bucky immediately flinched and Sam promptly removed his hand. “You can say no,” he said softly. “It’s okay." </p><p>After a moment of silence, Bucky whispered, “Stay. Please."</p><p>“Okay,” Sam said gently.</p><p>The two of them paced around the room for a few more minutes. Neither of them said a word. Sam didn’t leave. He stayed at Bucky’s side the entire time. He didn’t know what Bucky needed, but he was going to be there, nevertheless.</p><p>When Bucky had calmed down a bit, he hesitantly glanced over at Sam. “I’m sorry,” he whispered.</p><p>“For what?”</p><p>“For this. Everything."</p><p>“There’s nothing to apologize for. It’s all good."</p><p>Bucky didn’t respond. He sat down on the sofa and looked down at the floor, too ashamed to meet Sam’s eyes.</p><p>Sam sat down next to him and took a deep breath. “I get them too."</p><p>Bucky slowly peered up at him. “Really?” he asked, cautiously.</p><p>Sam nodded. “After my partner died, I kept seeing him. Every time that I closed my eyes, in my dreams… Watching him get hit, falling from the sky. I relived that moment over and over and over, trapped in my own mind. The guilt. The terror. It ate me up from the inside. Eventually, it became unbearable. I would stay up all night because going to sleep scared the shit out of me."</p><p>“How did you recover?” Bucky whispered.</p><p>Sam took a deep breath. “I don’t think you ever really do. It becomes part of you. That kind of shit, it changes you. But that doesn’t mean that you can’t learn how to live and move on. The pain does subside. You just have to give it time. Be easier on yourself. I know it’s not easy to accept, but it is not your fault. I couldn’t have saved my partner. It was out of my control. What happened to you, it’s not your fault. It’s all Hydra. And look at where you are now! Be proud! You’ve achieved so much." </p><p>Bucky sighed. “But… how am I supposed to find peace?”</p><p>Sam smiled sympathetically. “You do this," He gestured at the space between the two of them. “You go through your struggles the best that you can. You live your life. You open up to those that you trust. Healing is a process, and it’s different for everybody. But accepting your reality and taking care of yourself is always a good place to start." </p><p>Bucky swallowed, looking down at his hands. He was picking at a piece of skin on his thumb. “I don’t think I can do all of that." </p><p>“That’s okay. Like I said, it’s different for everybody. For me, going to a support group helped to get it all out of my system. At first, talking about it was too painful. But once I felt ready, I talked about it. It was hard, don’t get me wrong, but it was also a relief. It was like a burden was lifted from my shoulders. But, that’s just my story. Yours is different, and that’s just fine." He paused for a second. “May I?”</p><p>Bucky looked over and saw Sam’s outstretched arm. When he nodded, Sam pulled him into a hug. “Go at your own pace. If you want to talk about it, I’m here. If you don’t want to, I’ll still be here."</p><p>“Why do you ask?” Bucky blurted out unexpectedly. Sam gave him a quizzical expression. “Whenever you touch me. Why do you ask?”</p><p>Sam exhaled softly and smiled at him. “You don’t know what other people like and don’t like unless you ask,” he said simply.</p><p>“I’ve never asked you,” Bucky mumbled, a tinge of regret in his voice.</p><p>The smile on Sam face grew. “You didn’t have to. I’m pretty flexible, all things considered,” he said in a witty manner.</p><p>Bucky bit his lip. “They… they never asked,” he whispered, his voice wavering.</p><p>Sam’s breath hitched and he felt his heart stop for a moment. “You’re here now. Your life is your own. Your terms, always."</p><p>Bucky couldn’t bring himself to speak. Without looking, he slowly reached his hand over and brushed against Sam’s. Sam took his hand in his own and gave it a squeeze. Not too tight, but not too distant either. For the first time in years, Bucky felt absolutely safe.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“I’m gonna pick up some plums while we’re here,” Bucky said, glancing at Sam over his shoulder.</p><p>“What is it with you and those goddamn plums,” Sam laughed. </p><p>“They’re good! What’s not to like?”</p><p>“Yeah. Mmm hmmm,” Sam said, shaking his head. </p><p>A few minutes later, Bucky came back with the bag of plums. “Sorry that took so long,” he mumbled. “I had to find some that were…” He glanced up and saw the look on Sam’s face. He looked absolutely terrified, like he had just seen a ghost. “…ripe… you okay? You look like you’re about to pass out." Sam said nothing. His eyes were fixed on a spot to their left. Bucky peered over in that direction but didn’t see anything unusual. “Sam,” he said gently. “Sam."</p><p>Sam’s head turned towards him abruptly. Bucky was staring at him, attempting to read the expression on his face. “What’s wrong?” he asked calmly.</p><p>Sam shook his head, still not replying. He looked completely drained.</p><p>“Is there-”</p><p>“Can we go?” Sam asked suddenly, his hands trembling.</p><p>“Yeah. Yeah, of course." Bucky held out his hand. Sam took it and they left.</p><p>~</p><p>Bucky unlocked the door to Sam’s place, and Sam rushed inside. He immediately sat down on the sofa, putting his head in his hands. </p><p>After closing the door, Bucky slowly sat down next to him. Sam wasn’t shaking anymore, but something else had changed. He wasn’t talking. He wasn’t moving. It was as if he had shut down. </p><p>“Can I-”</p><p>“Don’t,” Sam snapped. </p><p>“Do you want-”</p><p>“I said don’t!”</p><p>They sat next to each other in silence for a moment. Bucky wasn’t quite sure what to do. He didn’t even know what had happened.</p><p>“What the hell are you still doing here?!” Sam yelled. “Get the fuck out!”</p><p>“Hey, man,” Bucky said as he stood up. “I’m just trying to help."</p><p>“Stop! I don’t need your help, you asshole! Get the hell out of here!” </p><p>Bucky put his hands up and slowly backed out of the room, leaving Sam on the couch, seething in anger. </p><p>~</p><p>A few hours later, Bucky heard a knock on his door. He found Sam standing on the other side, looking down at the ground, hands shoved deep into his pockets. </p><p>“I’m sorry,” Sam whispered, his head sinking closer to his chest. </p><p>“It’s okay,” Bucky said sympathetically. “It’s obvious that something’s going on. I shouldn’t have tried to push you." </p><p>“No, you’re right, but…” </p><p>“Come on,” Bucky said, nodding his head towards the table. </p><p>After they sat down, Bucky continued. “You don’t owe me shit. I just want to make sure that you’re okay."</p><p>Sam sighed deeply. “I thought I saw him,” he muttered. “My partner. Riley”. He looked up and Bucky nodded in understanding. “It happens sometimes but… it’s never him."</p><p>“Does it happen often?” Bucky asked tentatively.</p><p>“Not as much anymore. At least, not since I took up being the Falcon again." </p><p>Bucky hummed in understanding, giving Sam the space to say whatever he needed to.</p><p>“I’m sorry. For everything that I did. You didn’t deserve that." </p><p>“No, it’s okay. You were going through a thing." </p><p>“But that’s no excuse for treating you like that. It was shitty and uncalled for." </p><p>“Hey, don’t worry about it, man,” Bucky said, reaching a hand towards him. “Can I?”</p><p>Sam smiled bashfully. “Yeah,” he purred. </p><p>Bucky pulled him in and enveloped him in a hug, putting a hand on the back of his neck and stroking him lightly. “Listen. You are my friend. I may not know everything about you, but I’ll always be here for you and do the best that I can. You’ve done this for me so many times. Did you really think I wouldn’t do the same for you?”</p><p>Sam burrowed his head into the crook of Bucky’s neck, sighing into his embrace. “I’m so sorry."</p><p>“Stop apologizing dumbass!” Bucky said as he pulled away to look Sam in the eyes. “It’s how you deal. You needed to take it out on someone. I’m just glad that you felt safe enough around me." </p><p>Sam snorted in response. “You just had to make it sappy, didn’t you Barnes." </p><p>“I mean it, Sam. I care about you." </p><p>A blush crept up his neck and a small smile appeared on his face. “Damn it, Barnes,” he muttered under his breath, pulling Bucky into another hug in order to hide his face. Bucky laughed, pulling him closer and resting his chin on Sam’s shoulder, both of them happy to have each other. </p><p>Friendship isn’t valued enough. Things always seem to be about romance and sex, but there’s so much more than that. Love and affection within platonic relationships is truly beautiful.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chapter 4</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>A few days had passed. Sam didn’t bring up any of the Hydra stuff, unless Bucky talked about it first. He was giving him some time to process and Bucky was extremely grateful.</p><p>The truth was, Bucky wanted to tell him everything. He just didn’t know how. How do you find the words? The right time? The guts? </p><p>~</p><p>One day, out of the blue, Bucky sat down next to Sam on the sofa. “I want to tell you,” he said quietly. </p><p>Sam looked up at him. “Tell me what?”</p><p>“Everything." </p><p>“Are you sure? I don’t want to pressure you." </p><p>Bucky nodded. “I want to."  </p><p>Sam said nothing. He just turned towards him and waited. He had the most curious expression on his face, like he genuinely wanted to know. Like he genuinely cared. It gave Bucky more courage. </p><p>“When the 107th was captured, they experimented on me. They injected me with this serum, and it ended up helping me to survive the fall. I lost my arm and they made me a new one. Any time that I would question them, they would remind me over and over again that they saved my life. That I would have died a slow and painful death without them." </p><p>“Since I was one of the earliest cases, the serum wasn’t as… effective yet. Future versions of the Winter Soldier were far more violent and obedient than I was. They would torture me,” he said with a hard swallow. “Every time that I had even the slightest, most vague memory of my past self and life, they would beat it out of me. They would… they would tie my wrists to this metal chair and attach this… thing… to my face and the machine would do the rest." Sam glanced down at Bucky’s wrists, picturing the binds, and his heart was caught in his throat. “I ended up in that chair… countless times. And each time, it hurt even worse. As time went by, technology advanced. It became harder to remember. They could make me do more missions for them. I remember each one of them,” he said, the pain evident in his wobbly voice. “Each person that I… I still see their faces. Their screams. I think about them every day. How many lives I took. How many lives I ruined. Everyone says that it wasn’t really me, but I still did it." Tears began to stream down his face as he gazed into the empty space in front of them. “And after every mission, I would go back and give the report. If they were pleased with me, they would put me back to sleep until they needed me again. If they weren’t… I’d end up back in that chair. Fried. Again and again until they were satisfied."</p><p>“They would do whatever they wanted with me whenever they wanted to. They would move and manipulate me, touch me, grab me, put me to sleep and wake me up at their convenience… I was never my own. My life. My mind. My body. I never even bothered to think about what I wanted; it wouldn’t have mattered. I was… just a puppet." </p><p>Bucky looked over at Sam. His eyes were fixed intently on him, taking in every last detail. “You have always been so kind and gentle with me. No one has treated me like that in years. Decades. When you ask if you can touch me… it…” He took a shaky breath. “I don’t know what to say…” </p><p>“You don’t have to say anything." Sam said gently. </p><p>Tears continue to stream down his face and his breaths become even more erratic.  </p><p>“Can I-” Sam began to ask.</p><p>“Yes,” Bucky croaked. </p><p>Sam wraps him in a tight hug, holding him close to him chest. “I’ve got you. I’ve got you,” he repeats over and over, stroking Bucky’s back. </p><p>They remained like this for a while, holding each other close. Bucky sobbed into his shoulder, gripping his shirt tightly. Sam could hear his muffled cries, repeatedly saying how much it had hurt, and for a moment, Sam felt as if he could feel all of his pain as well. He couldn’t help but cry with him, pulling him even closer. </p><p>Once Bucky’s tears began to slow down, Sam pulled away and looked him in the eyes. He didn’t say anything. He didn’t have to.</p><p>“Thank you,” Bucky whispered, eyes glistening. </p><p>“Feel okay?”</p><p>“I’m sorry I’m such a shit friend,” Bucky mumbled.</p><p>“You are not a shit friend,” Sam said matter-of-factly. “You are loyal and brave, and one of the most sincere people that I have ever met." </p><p>“And broken,” Bucky says bitterly. </p><p>Sam shrugs his shoulders. “So, you’re a little rough around the edges. Well, so is everybody, just in their own way. That does not mean that you are broken." Sam smiled at him, but Bucky didn’t look up. “You have nothing to be ashamed of,” Sam said tenderly. “And I’m glad that we are friends." </p><p>This made Bucky smile. “You were right, by the way,” he mentioned. </p><p>“I’m right about a lot of things. You’re going to have to be more specific,” Sam said with a smug grin.</p><p>Bucky laughed softly. “About talking. It feels… lighter."</p><p>Sam smiled at him and rubbed his back gently. “I’m glad." </p>
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